Chapter 3
Find Your Principles
Here’s the question that changes everything: What do you want them to be at 25? Not what job. Not what school. What kind of person? Most parents can’t answer this. The ones who can? They raise presidents, founders, and world-changers.
John Adams knew exactly what he wanted his son to become. Before John Quincy Adams was ten years old, his father wrote him letters outlining the principles that would guide his education: public service and self-discipline. Everything flowed from there. John Quincy traveled with his father on diplomatic missions – not as a vacation, but as training. He learned languages because diplomats need languages. He studied law because public servants need to understand governance. Abigail Adams reinforced the same principles at home. Every letter, every lesson, every expectation pointed the same direction.
John Quincy became Secretary of State, a Senator, and the sixth President of the United States. But more importantly, he lived a life of relentless public service – exactly as his parents designed. The Adams family didn’t stumble into greatness. They chose their principles, wrote them down, and built a childhood around them.
Susanna Wesley had nineteen children. Nineteen. She could have been purely reactive – just surviving each day. Instead, she wrote out her methodology. She had rules. She had principles. She had a system. One of her principles: “The will of the child must be conquered.” Harsh by modern standards, but she meant something specific – children should learn self-control early, so they could govern themselves later. She gave each child individual time. She educated them herself. She was intentional despite chaos. Her son John founded the Methodist movement. Her son Charles wrote over 6,000 hymns. Susanna proved that intention doesn’t require perfect circumstances. It requires clarity about what matters.
When Andrew Carnegie was twelve, his family immigrated to America with almost nothing. His mother, Margaret, took in work – she washed clothes, she bound shoes. But she had a principle that drove everything: rise above. She told Andrew stories of their ancestors. She insisted he would do better than this. She sacrificed so he could take small jobs, then better jobs, then opportunities she’d never have herself. Every decision filtered through that one principle. Should he take this job? Does it help him rise? Should he spend this money? Does it move him forward? Carnegie became one of the richest men in history. He credited his mother’s relentless focus on a single idea.
Your turn
Here’s a question that clarifies everything: What do you want them to be at 25? Not what job. Not what school. What kind of person? Write down words that come to mind – honest, resilient, kind, self-sufficient, curious, disciplined. Now narrow it. You can’t optimize for everything. Pick 5-7 principles that matter most to your family.
Example: My 5 principles
| Principle | What it means |
|---|---|
| Strive for Progress | Movement over perfection. Small steps compound. Don’t wait for perfect – start now. |
| Think Different | Question assumptions. Find evidence. Stand for what’s right even when it’s unpopular. |
| Play the Long Game | Be slow to commit, but stand strong once you do. Hard work always wins. |
| Agreements Over Assumptions | Say what you mean. Ask what they mean. Clear expectations prevent frustration. |
| Distribute Responsibilities | Don’t centralize. Everyone contributes. Ask for help and give it freely. |
Your list will be different. That’s the point. The framework is universal; the principles are personal.
Worksheet: Find Your Principles
- What do you want them to be at 25? (List 10-15 words)
- Which of these matter most to your family? (Circle 5-7)
- For each one, write one sentence explaining what it means to you.
This becomes your filter. Every activity, every skill, every moment – does it serve one of these principles?