Chapter 7

The Partner Problem

Getting on the same page

You have different principles. Different styles. Different childhoods that shaped you. How do two people raise one kid without constant conflict? Without undermining each other? Without the kids learning to play you against each other? The answer isn’t compromise. It’s alignment.

John and Abigail Adams spent most of their marriage apart. John was in Philadelphia, then France, then the Netherlands – building a nation. Abigail was in Massachusetts, raising their children alone for years at a time. They couldn’t co-parent in the same room. So they did it through letters. Hundreds of them. In those letters, they didn’t debate every decision. They aligned on principles. “Public service.” “Self-discipline.” “Education above all.” When a decision came up, Abigail didn’t need to ask John. She knew what he’d say because she knew what they stood for. John Quincy Adams became Secretary of State and President. Not because his parents agreed on everything – but because they agreed on what mattered.

Susanna Wesley had nineteen children and a husband who was often absent, sometimes in debtor’s prison. She couldn’t wait for Samuel to weigh in on every parenting decision. So she wrote down her principles. She created a methodology – a system for how children would be raised in their home. When Samuel returned, he didn’t have to catch up on a thousand small decisions. He just had to understand the system. The principles were documented. The expectations were clear. Two of her sons changed religious history. Not despite the chaos – but because she built order within it.

Here’s what doesn’t work: fighting about every incident. “You let them stay up too late.” “You’re too hard on them.” “Why did you say yes when I said no?” Incident-level disagreements never end. There’s always another incident. Another decision. Another chance to conflict. What works: principle-level alignment.

Sit down – not during a conflict, not after a bad day – and answer the question together: What do we want them to be at 25? Write it down. Five to seven principles. Define what each one means to both of you. Now when incidents come up, you have a filter. “Does this serve our principles?” You’re not debating the incident. You’re applying the framework.

Theodore Roosevelt Sr. and his wife Martha came from different worlds. He was a Northern businessman, progressive and active. She was a Southern belle from a slaveholding family, traditional and reserved. During the Civil War, they were technically on opposite sides. They could have fought constantly. Instead, they found the principle they shared: their children would be vigorous. Strong in body and character. Active, not passive. Martha didn’t push Teddy to exercise – that was Theodore’s domain. But she didn’t undermine it either. She supported the principle even when the methods weren’t her style. Different approaches. Same direction.

The alignment conversation

Don’t wait for conflict. Schedule this conversation intentionally.

Step 1: Individual lists

Each parent writes their own answer to: “What do I want them to be at 25?” Ten words. Don’t share yet.

Step 2: Compare

Read them aloud. You’ll find overlap – probably 60-70%. Circle the shared ones.

Step 3: Discuss the gaps

Where you differ, ask: “Why does this matter to you?” Usually there’s a childhood story. A fear. A hope. Understanding the why creates empathy.

Step 4: Narrow together

Land on 5-7 principles you both own. Write them down. Post them somewhere you’ll see them.

Step 5: Revisit quarterly

Principles don’t change often, but your understanding of them deepens. Check in. “Are we still aligned? What’s working?”

When you still disagree

You won’t agree on everything. That’s fine. The goal isn’t identical parenting. It’s coherent parenting. The kids should feel one team, not two opponents.

Rules of engagement:

  1. Don’t contradict in front of the kids. Discuss privately, present united.
  2. Defer to the present parent. If one of you isn’t there, the other decides.
  3. Accept different styles. Mom’s approach and Dad’s approach can both serve the same principle.
  4. Revisit, don’t relitigate. If a decision didn’t work, discuss the principle – not the blame.

The Adams family exchanged over 1,100 letters. They didn’t agree on everything. But they built a president. Your job isn’t to parent identically. It’s to parent together – even when you’re in different rooms, different moods, different mindsets. Alignment isn’t agreement on every detail. It’s agreement on direction.