When They Resist | The Field Guide

You’ve done everything right. You have your principles. You’ve planned the moment. You’re ready to teach. And they say no. They roll their eyes. They “already know.” They’d rather do literally anything else. Now what?

Thomas Edison was expelled from school. His teachers called him “addled” – difficult, distracted, impossible to teach. His mother Nancy didn’t force him back into a system that wasn’t working. She didn’t fight his resistance. She redirected it. She let him build a chemistry lab in the basement. She fed his curiosity instead of demanding compliance. She found the angle that worked for him. Edison didn’t resist learning. He resisted being taught in a way that didn’t fit. His mother understood the difference.

Resistance isn’t rejection. It’s information. When they push back, they’re telling you something: Wrong timing – they’re not ready, the window isn’t open yet. Wrong approach – the method doesn’t match their style. Wrong framing – they don’t see why it matters. Need for autonomy – they want to feel in control, not controlled. Your job isn’t to overcome resistance. It’s to decode it.

Richard Feynman’s father never forced physics lessons. He asked questions on walks. He wondered aloud. He made curiosity contagious. When young Richard wasn’t interested in something, Melville didn’t push. He waited. He found another angle. He trusted that curiosity, once sparked, would spread. Feynman later said he never felt taught. He felt invited.

The wrong responses

Forcing: “You’re going to learn this whether you like it or not.” Result: They learn to resent learning. Bribing: “If you practice piano, you can have screen time.” Result: They learn the piano is a chore, not a joy. Guilting: “I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll thank me later.” Result: They learn to associate growth with shame. Giving up: “Fine, forget it. I was just trying to help.” Result: They learn that resistance works.

The right responses

Pause and observe. Step back. What’s really happening? Are they tired? Overwhelmed? Asserting independence? Genuinely not ready? Don’t react to the resistance. Respond to the cause.

Adjust the approach. Same principle, different method. If the direct lesson isn’t working, try modeling instead of teaching, playing instead of practicing, stories instead of instructions, asking instead of telling. Frederick Douglass learned to read by trading bread for lessons with neighborhood kids. The “classroom” didn’t work. The trade did.

Wait for the window. Some lessons have a season. A child who resists cooking at 8 might be eager at 11. A teenager who rejects financial advice might seek it at 22. Plant seeds. Don’t force harvests.

Give them agency. “Would you rather learn to cook breakfast or dinner?” “Do you want to practice this now or after lunch?” “What skill from the list interests you most?” Resistance often dissolves when they feel ownership. The principle stays. The path becomes theirs.

Maria Montessori built her entire method around following the child. She watched. She waited. She prepared the environment. Then she let children choose their work. Teachers in Montessori classrooms don’t force. They offer. The materials are available. The invitation is open. The child decides when they’re ready. It looks passive. It’s actually patient. And it works better than force ever could.

When resistance is a gift

Sometimes they resist because they’re right. Maybe the timing is wrong. Maybe the method needs adjustment. Maybe you’re pushing something that serves your principles, not the ones you share as a family. Resistance can be a mirror. Before you push through it, ask: Is this their issue or mine?

The goal isn’t compliance. It’s internalization. You want them to become self-sufficient, not just perform self-sufficiency when you’re watching. That takes longer. It requires patience. It means accepting that some lessons won’t land today. But when they finally choose it themselves – when they cook the meal because they want to, not because you made them – that’s when the principle takes root. Resistance isn’t the enemy of progress. Forcing is.